Why Relationships Do Not Last?


Years of being married, meeting different (in terms of social status regardless of religion) married couples, sweethearts from different places I had been, I had theorized this conclusion why couples fall apart.


Although MOST of these observations apply on married couples, still some can also be for sweethearts:

Immaturity

Immaturity is synonymous to ‘being childish’.  Encyclopedia and Dictionary’s take on it are as follow:
LINK

Insensitivity
Being immature, one acts like a child being INSENSITIVE of the other’s feelings.  It may manifest in actions and in verbal confrontation.

-Examples of Insensitive Actions:
1. Coming home late without notice of whereabouts with phone off.
Husbands are mostly guilty of this.  The wife is just a phone call or eve a text message away.  If you have unexpected appointments after office that you have not mentioned to your spouse, take seconds to let her know. That precious seconds will save her from the agony of waiting at home worrying about you or getting hungry waiting for her eating companion.  Being a lady, I know how we can feel secure and this counts a lot if you do AND lessens the chances of fighting.

2. Literally pulling-out a pillow from the partner’s head while sleeping.
Funny and foolish, though this happens.

3. Deviating from the old ways
Sometimes it is better NOT TO BE sweet and thoughtful if you can not STAND or KEEP it that way for as long as the relationship exists. It results to lesser expectations, lesser reasons to be sad or to ponder about. 


4. Being Secretive
Unless it is to surprise her, avoid keeping secrets from your better-half. Why? It will later cause you trouble and more importantly, it shows absence of TRUST. However it hurts or the damage it could cost, your pair should know.  I don’t believe in the saying that ‘what you don’t know wont hurt you…’ that is until you find out.  No secrets can be kept forever.

There are significant situations that the two of you should not be deprived of knowing – like work status.  Don’t be afraid to tell your partner you lose the job and pretend to be going to work daily. 

Or you might have this addiction (drugs or gambling) that render you to spend almost half of your family’s savings and even disappearing without notice.

Side Story:
Being your family partner, the spouse has every right to know about this before it gets out-of-hand like what has happened to the wife of a famous broadcaster in the country.  The husband is busy at work, the wife left home introduced to casino gambling and later on became addicted.  Losing the hard-earned money they banked.  In so much humiliation to her hubby, the wife had a suicide.  That ends their love story.

Another example is in entering to usury obligations – why would you keep your loans from your wife? The wife is not interested in getting the money BUT most interested in WHERE are you going to spend it for?! If you have nothing to hide, she should know. Transparency will keep your relationship running smoothly. No questions left to answer, everything clear and known.

Irresponsibility
Each should know and be reminded of one another’s responsibilities to the family and to the spouse too.

Husband:
- bread winner (although nowadays working wives become a usual thing)
It is so stressing for the wife to be with a jobless husband – she would be joggling her time for the home chores (for middle-income families) as well as be out to find a way for a living.

If in case the wife is employed and the hubby is left at home, do not sit down and relax (all the time) waiting for her monthly salary- even if you can not get work today or tomorrow you must keep on trying and show eagerness to have one. Or you can balance the situation by helping-out in the home chores – it does not degrade your being a ‘man’ to do that.

- partaking in disciplining children
There maybe times that the mother can not handle the situation like a son getting involve in a mess, the father must have time to share with the task of parenting.

- gives time to participate in home matters that the wife is NOT capable of (fixing the leaking pipes or roof  - that is if the family can not afford to pay servicing).

Wife:
- should take care of the family’s needs from preparing meals and running the household also the well-being of their children physically, intellectually and spiritually.

If the children are old enough to take some little responsibilities, delegate some chores to avoid stress and fatigue – not having those two can make a quiet and peaceful home.

- takes care of the budgeting. Prioritize NEEDS from WANTS even if the children insist on having them.

- Maybe not so good to hear but the wife must be responsible in taking care of herself for her husband. She should always be prepared to give-in to her husband’s every desire in ‘bed’.

Must observe proper hygiene. Most wives after a couple of years being married lose their sense of fashion (dresses neglectfully of how she looks and be perceived by her husband and other guys around). Men pay attention to what others may opine to his wife. He feels proud if she gets praises and felt humiliated for your poor appearance.

You should have a little ‘grooming allowance’ for yourself – the little pampering like for the haircut, manicure, perfume, mouthwash etc.  We, women especially moms tend to become so thoughtful of her children and family’s needs forgetting about herself, no budget of her own.

- Mostly, not just the physical aspect also the reputation – the wife must have delicadeza in dealing with other guys around-she knows her limits but she knows how to socialize in a respectful manner that nobody gets rude to her because she is highly-regarded as a woman of worth not cheap that flirts with everybody.

Selfishness
This becomes a thing to fight over when one of the pair – forgets he is no longer himself alone anymore – the spouse is there, half of him (remember better-half!).

On financial aspect:
Why would you let your partner move around to find a way to have money in case of emergencies when you know you have more in your pocket? Why you keep your financial income to yourself when you have your family to fend for?

Maladjustment
Most married couples make BIG adjustments on their way of living differentiating the stage from singlehood. In terms of expenditures, time management and social aspects.

In Expenditures:
When single always buying signature stuff till this day wherein the family’s basic needs are being sacrificed because of it.

Time Management:
There is always a time for work, the friend’s call, but for the children’s recital, anniversary day-out or family bonding  often busy to accommodate.

Social Aspect:
Still flirts around. Go out on secret dates other than with the spouse. Forgetting limitations and business limits.



Wrong Reasons for Commitment

This is somehow NOT obvious in the outset but surfaces later on in the relationship.

Identity Crisis
One may not have a father or mother to grow-up with.  Meeting someone who cares and gives you the ‘father or mother’ image you have been longing for – it made you get involved in a relationship for the wrong reason.

The person provides for your needs and the attention you are looking for BUT not necessarily physically attracted to.  No emphasis on physical attraction – I just took it as an example being the foremost reasons why a person becomes interested. 

Meeting another one in the midst of the relationship makes one realize that there is more than what is needed – it is sometimes connection and naturally-occurring sense of loving and belongingness.

Peer Influence
Pressured to be out of the NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) List, just committing without thinking?! Just convinced of the barkada’s  playing cupid?!  No, no, no -  it is not just lying to yourself but to the other person. 

Never do it because every person has his way of dealing with situations, some forgets easily, others want to take vengeance and there are few who wants to commit suicide because of failed relationship especially if deeply and seriously involved.

Financial Stability
Material things sometimes do not last that LONG especially if not handled wisely.  What if partner’s bank account runs out of funds?!

Others think that if they are comfortably living, easier it is to love the partner they married for financial security.  Maybe, maybe…you are gambling with the choice. Money can not buy happiness, it can alleviate hardship and pain but as soon as you are alone thinking how life has been – anyway it is more of mental conditioning, if you know yourself better and sure that you CAN HANDLE YOURSELF that well and dignified enough to respect the norms of matrimony, TRY your luck.

The Holy Scriptures teaches us to marry for the right reasons – for LOVE.

Being Pregnant
In my country, getting pregnant outside wedlock meant disgrace – it is taboo for traditional conservative Filipinas.  That is why if it happened that one is impregnated the first step the parent of the pregnant teenager is to deal with the parents of the culprit.  Making agreement (if minors) of their settling down as soon as the right age comes.  This sometimes leads to shotgun wedding, as it is popularly  known here in the Philippines (wedding by force). 

In the Filipino culture, it is a HUGE matter that a young woman has slept with a guy who is not the husband yet mostly if that ends up to child-bearing. As they say ‘The guy MUST shoulder the responsibility…’

Most of the times, guys are playful to the extent of exploiting women BUT NOT REALLY loving them or planning of a lifetime commitment just plain LUST. Young-aged women are easily carried away and afraid being abandoned (turning-down the guy’s wish) MAYBE to have allowed such to happen.

Lack of Communication

Others think that keeping one’s mouth SHUT helps – at the height of a confrontation where one is too angry to speak. After the scorching moment is gone, every side must be heard; when both are in the RIGHT FRAME OF MIND. As I always say in my ’Relationship’ articles, we make mistakes at the spur of the moment that could leave scars that last longer and sometimes we regret of saying.

Communication does not just consist of talking BUT also LISTENING. Talking in the sense of being open to air what needs to be said or known and listening in the sense that is open to what the other has to say without PRIOR judgment (prejudice).

Although some things pass unnoticed, whenever there will be an altercation, if things are not CLEARED – chances are, it might be brought-out unexpectedly.

Lacking communication can KILL A RELATIONSHIP.


Financial Instability

Most of married couples fight over unmet family’s needs.  The wife becomes quarrelsome stressed over the bills, food shortage, children’s allowances etc.  The husband hated a NAGGING wife.

Stability in the most common perception may be defined as the ability to meet the daily basic and future emergency needs.




Outside Forces

The people around has their set of own opinions if asked or sometimes unsolicited.

The Meddlers Factor
The abettors that ask you to do or say  this or that…they can not decide for your situation fairly because they are practically NOT IN YOUR SHOES! You know everything very well than anybody else although it helps to unload your troubles but relying on others’ opinion alone is but UNFAIR to yourself and your partner.

Infidelity
Most common of all reasons – we see this eve in movies and in the lives of our friends, neighbors or even relatives.

Letting yourself NEAR the ‘well’ where you can easily slide down the pit makes you prone to the danger of infidelity.  You knew well that you are maybe physically attracted to this person, then why exposing yourself to danger of getting involved illicitly?!  You should have exhausted all your riddance efforts to guard your marriage and stand your ground in reminding yourself that ‘I am married, I MUST not get involved with anyone else except with my spouse…so I may not sin…’

 I hope I have shared with you some important notes. Have a great day. Give it a plus if it helped you :)


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Family, Daily Living & Style by Angelita Galiza-Madera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.