Years of being married, meeting different
(in terms of social status regardless of religion) married couples, sweethearts
from different places I had been, I had theorized this conclusion why couples
fall apart.
Although MOST of these observations apply
on married couples, still some can also be for sweethearts:
Immaturity
Immaturity is synonymous to ‘being
childish’. Encyclopedia and
Dictionary’s take on it are as follow:
LINK
Insensitivity
Being immature, one acts like a child being
INSENSITIVE of the other’s feelings. It
may manifest in actions and in verbal confrontation.
-Examples of Insensitive Actions:
1. Coming home late without notice of whereabouts with phone
off.
Husbands are mostly guilty of this. The wife is just a phone call or eve a text message away. If you have unexpected
appointments after office that you have not mentioned to your spouse, take seconds to let her know. That
precious seconds will save her from the agony of waiting at home worrying about
you or getting hungry waiting for her eating companion. Being a lady, I know how we can feel secure and
this counts a lot if you do AND lessens
the chances of fighting.
2. Literally
pulling-out a pillow from the partner’s head while sleeping.
Funny and foolish, though this happens.
3. Deviating from the old ways
Sometimes it is better NOT TO BE sweet and thoughtful if you can not STAND or KEEP it that way for
as long as the relationship exists. It results to lesser expectations,
lesser reasons to be sad or to ponder about.
Unless it is to surprise her, avoid
keeping secrets from your better-half. Why? It will later cause you
trouble and more importantly, it shows absence of TRUST. However it hurts or
the damage it could cost, your pair should know. I don’t believe in the saying that ‘what you don’t know wont hurt you…’
that is until you find out. No secrets
can be kept forever.
There are significant situations that the
two of you should not be deprived of knowing – like work status. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner you lose the job and pretend to
be going to work daily.
Or you might have this addiction (drugs or gambling) that render you to spend almost half
of your family’s savings and even disappearing without notice.
Side Story:
Being
your family partner, the spouse has every right to know about this before it
gets out-of-hand like what has happened to the wife of a famous broadcaster in
the country. The husband is busy at
work, the wife left home introduced to casino gambling and later on became
addicted. Losing the hard-earned money
they banked. In so much humiliation to
her hubby, the wife had a suicide. That
ends their love story.
Another example is in entering to usury obligations – why would you keep
your loans from your wife? The wife is not interested in getting the money BUT
most interested in WHERE are you going to spend it for?! If you have nothing to
hide, she should know. Transparency
will keep your relationship running smoothly. No questions left to answer,
everything clear and known.
Irresponsibility
Each should know and be reminded of one
another’s responsibilities to the family and to the spouse too.
Husband:
- bread winner (although nowadays working wives
become a usual thing)
It is so stressing for the wife to be with
a jobless husband – she would be joggling her time for the home chores (for
middle-income families) as well as be out to find a way for a living.
If in case the wife is employed and the
hubby is left at home, do not sit down and relax (all the time) waiting for her
monthly salary- even if you can not get work today or tomorrow you must keep on
trying and show eagerness to have one. Or you can balance the situation by
helping-out in the home chores – it does not degrade your being a ‘man’
to do that.
- partaking in disciplining children
There maybe times that the mother can not
handle the situation like a son getting involve in a mess, the father must have
time to share with the task of parenting.
- gives time to participate in home matters that the wife
is NOT capable of (fixing the leaking pipes or roof - that is if the family can not afford to pay
servicing).
Wife:
- should take care of the family’s needs from preparing
meals and running the household also the well-being of their children
physically, intellectually and spiritually.
If the children are old enough to take some
little responsibilities, delegate some chores to avoid stress and fatigue – not
having those two can make a quiet and peaceful home.
- takes care of the budgeting. Prioritize NEEDS from WANTS
even if the children insist on having them.
- Maybe not so good to hear but the wife must be
responsible in taking care of herself for her husband. She should
always be prepared to give-in to her husband’s every desire in ‘bed’.
Must observe proper hygiene. Most wives
after a couple of years being married lose
their sense of fashion (dresses neglectfully of how she looks and be
perceived by her husband and other guys around). Men pay attention to what
others may opine to his wife. He feels proud if she gets praises and felt
humiliated for your poor appearance.
You should have a little ‘grooming
allowance’ for yourself – the little pampering like for the haircut,
manicure, perfume, mouthwash etc. We,
women especially moms tend to become so thoughtful of her children and family’s
needs forgetting about herself, no budget of her own.
- Mostly, not
just the physical aspect also the reputation – the wife must have delicadeza
in dealing with other guys around-she
knows her limits but she knows how to socialize in a respectful manner that
nobody gets rude to her because she is highly-regarded as a woman of worth not
cheap that flirts with everybody.
Selfishness
This becomes a thing to fight over when one
of the pair – forgets he is no longer himself
alone anymore – the spouse is there, half of him (remember better-half!).
On financial aspect:
Why would you let your partner move around
to find a way to have money in case of emergencies when you know you have more
in your pocket? Why you keep your financial income to yourself when you have
your family to fend for?
Maladjustment
Most married couples make BIG adjustments
on their way of living differentiating the stage from singlehood. In terms of
expenditures, time management and social aspects.
In Expenditures:
When single always buying signature stuff
till this day wherein the family’s basic needs are being sacrificed because of
it.
Time Management:
There is always a time for work, the
friend’s call, but for the children’s recital, anniversary day-out or family
bonding often busy to accommodate.
Social Aspect:
Still flirts around. Go out on secret dates
other than with the spouse. Forgetting limitations and business limits.
Wrong Reasons for
Commitment
This
is somehow NOT obvious in the outset but surfaces later on in the relationship.
Identity Crisis
One may not have a father or mother to
grow-up with. Meeting someone who cares
and gives you the ‘father or mother’
image you have been longing for – it made you get involved in a relationship
for the wrong reason.
The person provides for your needs and the
attention you are looking for BUT not necessarily physically attracted to. No emphasis on physical attraction – I just
took it as an example being the foremost reasons why a person becomes
interested.
Meeting another one in the midst of the
relationship makes one realize that there
is more than what is needed – it is sometimes connection and
naturally-occurring sense of loving and belongingness.
Peer Influence
Pressured to be out of the NBSB (No Boyfriend Since Birth) List, just
committing without thinking?! Just convinced of the barkada’s playing
cupid?! No, no, no - it is not just lying to yourself but to the
other person.
Never do it because every person has his
way of dealing with situations, some forgets easily, others want to take
vengeance and there are few who wants to commit suicide because of failed
relationship especially if deeply and seriously involved.
Financial Stability
Material things sometimes do not last that
LONG especially if not handled wisely.
What if partner’s bank account runs out of funds?!
Others think that if they are comfortably
living, easier it is to love the partner they married for financial
security. Maybe, maybe…you are gambling
with the choice. Money can not buy happiness, it can alleviate hardship and
pain but as soon as you are alone thinking how life has been – anyway it is
more of mental conditioning, if you know yourself better and sure that you CAN
HANDLE YOURSELF that well and dignified enough to respect the norms of
matrimony, TRY your luck.
The Holy Scriptures teaches us to marry for
the right reasons – for LOVE.
Being Pregnant
In my country, getting pregnant outside
wedlock meant disgrace – it is taboo
for traditional conservative Filipinas. That is why if it happened that one is
impregnated the first step the parent of the pregnant teenager is to deal with
the parents of the culprit. Making
agreement (if minors) of their settling down as soon as the right age
comes. This sometimes leads to shotgun
wedding, as it is popularly
known here in the Philippines (wedding by force).
In the Filipino culture, it is a HUGE
matter that a young woman has slept with a guy who is not the husband yet
mostly if that ends up to child-bearing. As they say ‘The guy MUST shoulder the responsibility…’
Most of the times, guys are playful to the
extent of exploiting women BUT NOT REALLY loving them or planning of a lifetime
commitment just plain LUST. Young-aged women are easily carried away and afraid
being abandoned (turning-down the guy’s wish) MAYBE to have allowed such to
happen.
Lack of Communication
Others think that keeping one’s mouth SHUT helps – at the height of a confrontation where
one is too angry to speak. After the scorching
moment is gone, every side must be
heard; when both are in the RIGHT FRAME OF MIND. As I always say in my ’Relationship’ articles, we make
mistakes at the spur of the moment that could leave scars that last longer and
sometimes we regret of saying.
Communication does not just consist of talking BUT also
LISTENING. Talking in the sense of being open to air what needs to be said or
known and listening in the sense that is open to what the other has to say
without PRIOR judgment (prejudice).
Although some things pass unnoticed,
whenever there will be an altercation, if things are not CLEARED – chances are,
it might be brought-out unexpectedly.
Lacking communication can KILL A
RELATIONSHIP.
Financial
Instability
Most of married couples fight over unmet
family’s needs. The wife becomes
quarrelsome stressed over the bills, food shortage, children’s allowances
etc. The husband hated a NAGGING wife.
Stability in the most common perception may
be defined as the ability to meet the daily basic and future emergency needs.
Outside Forces
The people around has their set of own
opinions if asked or sometimes unsolicited.
The Meddlers Factor
The abettors that ask you to do or say this or that…they can not decide for your
situation fairly because they are practically NOT IN YOUR SHOES! You
know everything very well than anybody else although it helps to unload your
troubles but relying on others’ opinion alone is but UNFAIR to yourself and
your partner.
Infidelity
Most common of all reasons – we see this
eve in movies and in the lives of our friends, neighbors or even relatives.
Letting
yourself NEAR the ‘well’ where you can easily slide down the pit makes you prone to the danger of infidelity. You knew well that you are maybe physically attracted to this person,
then why exposing yourself to danger of getting involved illicitly?! You should have exhausted all your riddance
efforts to guard your marriage and stand your ground in reminding yourself that
‘I am married, I MUST not get involved
with anyone else except with my spouse…so I may not sin…’
I hope I have shared with you some important notes. Have a great day. Give it a plus if it helped you :)
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